Local resident, Zam Realperson, has come under suspicion from his friends and colleagues in your own town. Look at that, something is happening near you. Isn’t that cool? Makes you feel kinda special. Zam, short for Zamboni, has only been in your town for a short while, at least to your memory. We spoke recently to one of his neighbors.
“Yeah, there are some things slightly off about Zamboni now that you mention it. One morning I ran into him at the coffee shop down the street and he was pouring orange juice into his coffee. He looked me in the eye and said ‘Sock it to me, kemo sabe.’ It made me throw up.” Her face contorted in anguish as she began to vomit. We broke in and started to inspect the contents of his apartment. There’s a bitten in half banana as well as a thoroughly chewed upon onion on the kitchen counter. On the coffee table is a laptop opened to Bing and we confirm that it is indeed his homepage. We slowly realize every piece of furniture is from West Elm. Out of fear, we scurry away through the fire escape.
One of Mr. Realperson’s co-workers at the Hughmen’s Beans’ factory, on the outskirts of town bizarrely located by a superfund site, left us a voicemail but asked we didn’t use their name. “Zam had just seen Signs and thought it was pretty comical. He mentioned how even if water was destructive to the alien’s biology it wouldn’t matter because internal microbial filtration. He paused, mumbled, and said ‘or something, I don’t know,’ and he just walked away. Also, Zam seemed depressed after watching Kpax on Netflix, but I didn’t think anything of it at the time.”
No one we had spoken with ever mentioned seeing Zamboni Realperson go to the bathroom, sleep, or sweat. There is extensive footage of him smiling and sitting forward on his couch as well as him reciting ‘hello’ and then stating quietly in his next breath ‘no, they couldn’t know.’ A few residents believe that Mr. Realperson could be a robot, or a clone created by Trump’s legion of evil medical doctors on a break from torturing baby giraffes. Sadly, there is still no concrete answer to this mystery. At least this story takes place where you live. Way to go champ!