Our benevolent overlords at Google have created the new Foodle application to combat hunger anywhere in the world. Access your Gmail account (you need a Gmail account, Google’s version of e-mail) and click on the Foodle icon whose image will rotate depending on whichever country’s artisanal labor is most popular that week. Once those two accounts are linked together, allow those two accounts to access, review, and investigate your Google Plus page, Youtube account, location, microphone, camera, Twitter, Instagram, Pintrest, and Snapchat.
Along with Foodle, engineers at Google have manufactured a portable and wireless 3D BioPrinter for the app. Each BioPrinter comes equipped with enough nutrients to last a year before the ink needs to be refilled. After charging the BioPrinter (which can take up to ten hours), sync your device with the printer using Bluetooth technology and download the software update. This will take around forty hours or whenever it is that you fall asleep weeping from hunger and frustration.
Now, upon wakening and after all of the software is in place, open up Foodle and on the homepage click on “Begin Assessment.” You should feel a slight breeze. Foodle removes your clothing and is inspecting every inch of your body. This is entirely for enhancing your dining experience and has nothing to do with market research, advertising, or anything from a Phillip K. Dick novel. A faint giggling may be heard but you should ignore it, or maybe do some sit-ups. Once the physical inspection is complete you will undergo a barrage of psychologically invasive questioning to better understand how your subconscious influences your tastebuds. Information that will never be sold to Doritos.
The moment is here! All the data is acquired. The BioPrinter is whirring, burping, honking and snoring. Whistles are blowing and lights are flashing. Suddenly the commotion stops and a distinct ding rings out. An obtuse, oval pill now exists in your room. Foodle notifies you that your protein and mineral rich capsule is ready for insertion. Insertion?
“That must be how robots say eat, har har.” You think, stupidly, until you suspect that the robot stereotype in your mind is blinding you from the truth. Your stomach sinks as you realize that Foodle doesn’t make food to eat. Foodle only makes suppositories. This explains the clear dipping sauce.
“Welcome to the Future!” Foodle exclaims. The app plays 8-bit fanfare music as you read in fine print towards the bottom of the screen that any cameras in the capsule are for internal use only and something about first-borns.