Phil Collins Releases Song that Ends All of Humanity’s Suffering

You’ve probably noticed the news has been absent of any coverage of war, death, or destruction. Before boredom overtakes you, this is the recent result of a song that was released last Friday by Phil Collins. The name is so powerfully blinding it will not be etched here. All copies have been pressed into old Mariah Carey 45’s. Once it hit the airwaves soldiers all across the world put down their guns. Researchers also cite a large viral movement of holier than though sharing and one-upmanship help spread the music that healed the hearts of humanity.

“I first heard it after my Bing search for lions and kings.” Stated a former ruthless dictator from a country that’s located somewhere. “I immediately disarmed all of the nuclear warheads, death squads, and goon patrols. Mr. Collins has taught me that I don’t need to torture my people to be happy.” Western world leaders refused to comment and were heard mumbling.

The sweeping string arrangement, from the creator of such hits like Easy Lover, through out the piece has caused masses of people to weep uncontrollably for the beauty of life. “I’ve heard God and their name is Phil Collins. I mean, he was in Genesis. He was Genesis! That’s enough for my ethnocentric view of the world to come to this conclusion.” Stated a person that would not stop calling us.

However you categorize the former bongo player on one song off of George Harrison’s All Things Must Pass album, this musical number has ended all disease, famine, and heartbreak. Speaking the lyrics has even been shown to cure burn victims. Everyone on Earth has resolved all of their problems after realizing the true meaning of life, which I don’t need to re-iterate here.

 

 

 

 

 

West Dakota Residents Charged with New Tax on Breathing

Residents of West Dakota will have a new tax next year. The bill passed state legislature late last night and was signed by the governor 27 seconds ago. The Breath of Fresh Air Act proposes a 40% tax on constituents for breathable air. Businesses and white male landowners are exempt.

Our first three reporters were forcibly “Freedomed” from the capital by red blooded American leaders after receiving multiple patriotic blows to their person. One of the legislators in question released a four page statement which just contained the repetition of “U.S.A.!” After the mattered was resolved with no consequences, we contacted the State Senator Mya Pocketsful, the author of the bill, through a backchannel at a pecan roasting factory that exploits squirrel and chipmunk labor.

“Right now, people only get their breathing from oxygen produced by algae and trees. This is extremely inefficient.” Said State Senator Pocketsful. “There’s also no quality control. People who provide jobs for their communities deserve to breathe better air.”

Outside of a recent town hall meeting we spoke with a white male landowner. “Maybe think about how you and your child are going to breathe and cut out that third meal.” A local uncle and jet ski connoisseur commented.”It’s really frivolous how the poor spend their money on food, medicine, and shelter.”

The business community is happy with the recent bill. We contacted the spokesperson of Fresh Scents, a company whose sole purpose is to decay the environment and promote the use of  baby koala traps. “The atmosphere in West Dakota is made up mainly of pollutants from our factories, so the people are essentially breathing in our product. These toxins, or what we like to call lung enhancers, are being enjoyed from our factory for free. We can’t have people stealing the air we breathe. Breathing isn’t a right. When are the poor going to start thinking about how their poverty affects corporations?”

We did not feel the need to reach out to anyone truly effected by the bill. Our advertisers reassured us on this position. The Governor’s office is currently drafting legislation in congruence with Fresh Scents to monetize sunlight, déjà vu, and that contently full feeling after eating just the right amount of food.

Doll House Found at Macabre Thrift Store not Haunted

Eerie Leather jackets adorn two mannequins lounging in the store front window of Sales from the Crypt, a spine-chilling sea side thrift store. You’ll find that this particular purveyor of trinkets from yesteryear is unique in that everything for sale is haunted except the doll house.

A mahogany grandfather clock, to the left of the wall of miscellaneous spooky boots, is possessed by a frightfully evil turtle. The marble tiger sculpture sitting on a table, supporting ghoulish costume jewelry, is cursed by Gragnorak, a swamp witch. There’s also a cigarette case sitting on a shelf in the back corner that bleeds bat blood.

The owner, Daemon Specter, reassures patrons over their suspicion with the doll house. “Sure, if you have a small child apparate inside the structure and they are chanting a lullaby,” Daemon demonstrates with a drastic pitch-modulated performance of Frere Jacques, “you have yourself a doll house visited by spirits. This miniature toy mansion is absolutely free of dark forces… Even if a slow, quiet whistle can be heard from the attic.” There has been some confusion over this recently acquired antique. “Our copy of A Doll’s House is definitely bewitched though. We promoted that post on Instagram so we get a lot of customers that confuse the two. The play itself has, how should I put this, satanic blood ritual runes etched into the spine by Ibsen himself. It’s not as scary as it sounds though.” He whispers. “It’ll just make macaroons taste weird.”

For more information you can check out Sales from the Crypt’s website or by asking any friendly ghost you know.

The Universe Will Return Existence Back to Two Thursdays Ago

In an unprecedented turn of events, all of existence will return back to two Thursdays ago precisely at 2:37 P.M. Eastern Standard Time. The news was beamed straight from the Universe directly into Neil DeGrasse Tyson’s E-mail inbox earlier this morning which he forwarded to multiple news outlets. After skimming through twenty boring pages of numbers we arrived at a recording from the Universe giving an explanation for the date change. Here is a transcript of the abridged version from the recording in its entirety:

“We come in peace and take us to your leader! Ha, just joking. We meant, we mean you no harm but don’t take us to your leader. Just wait a month from now and you won’t even believe… but we digress. This may come to a shock to you but the Universe had a really bad day those two Thursdays ago with Earth. We really dropped the ball and we’re sorry. People, or humans, not sure which you prefer, deserve better from your Universe. Every phone call was missed, no trains ran on time, and coffee and alcohol were spilt everywhere. We’re not proud of these shortcomings and we are deeply apologetic.

Stoves, coffeepots, and toasters were left on all day, or were they? It was hard to tell. It was a confusing time which led to the last two weeks of mishaps. We accidentally turned the gravity off  for about a minute and that really scared you all. We don’t blame you. Also, not everyone was a fan with turning the oceans into cotton candy and we see now how that could be considered bizarre to some people. Cephalopods were big fans though. Oh wow, we almost forgot about that giant spider. Yikes!

     We’ve been spending too much time focusing on what we think people want from us, like cotton candy oceans, and that had us making poor decisions. We were letting things slip. The Universe needs to focus on what we need to do to be happy, but this isn’t about us. We’re returning all of existence back to two Thursdays ago in about four hours. All of us will go back. We’re not proud of this but we, as a universe, deserve a second chance. Oh, we’ll all remember that this happened too. No one will have their memory erased. This isn’t some hack job.”

The recording went on to wax poetically about the meaning of existence, the importance of kindness, and telling those you love how you feel because “there are no do overs in life as far as time is concerned, except for this one, and it won’t happen again, maybe, so you should really feel lucky,” and so on. Information that we will not burden you with here.

 

Scientists Discover New Animal Species too Delicious not to Eat

Biologists in South America have discovered a new animal. Stating that the latin name “wasn’t important,” the lead researcher announced “our recent find is currently called Tasty Bird. This is not only one of the most anticipated events of the last century, our family-sized friend is going to set the culinary world on fire.”

“Tasty Bird is twenty percent tastier than chicken.” This remark from the Council of Flesh Eaters has many fast food chains salivating to acquire the new beast. The living creature, which is naturally breaded and crispy, also secretes its own dipping sauce. “It’s a cross between hot sauce and mayonnaise, ” remarks the CEO of a globally known fast food eatery, “Not only that I can charge my customers more, save on costs, all while funneling those profits towards myself and board members.”

Scientist still aren’t sure what the classification for Tasty Bird will actually be. The creature in no way resembles a bird, nor does it encapsulate anything about the animal that doesn’t center around its consumption. When area lawmakers were asked for comment on the ethical and moral implications of not only eating a living creature, but of eating one while it is still alive. The question was said to have been drowned out by cha-ching noises, top hats, and that of cash registers.

 

The Dangers of Sport Metaphors

A political sports metaphor has turned sentient after being employed by several news agencies over the past week. In an unprecedented event the metaphor gained consciousness, a corporeal body, and a thirst for blood.

Two reporters from CNN were ripped to shreds after stating that the recent move by the Trump administration was their attempt at “pushing towards a first down.” A Fox News producer was squished after she referred to the recent firing of the FBI director as an “audible,” and something about a “photo finish.” A Times Picayune paper boy was torn limb from limb by the insatiable  metaphor when the front page headline read “Health Care Bill at Half-Time, Democrats down by 1.”

“This is certainly a situation that calls for the cease and desist of all future uses of sport metaphors in a political setting.” Remarked the Director of Absurd Literary Devices. She went on to say that  “our social discourse deserves more respect and consideration. The lives of journalists everywhere are at stake.”

Avoid any encounter with these words in sheep’s clothing at all costs. Stay vigilante and if you see the warning signs of the failure to articulate the facts of the day without resulting to games that children play contact authorities immediately. The balls in your court…oh no.