“Destroy All Humans,” Tweets Intergalactic Robot Demon

The latest tweet from the Intergalactic Robot Demon promises the eminent destruction of the human race. Some people mention how destroying all humans isn’t actually breaking any laws. These people are devoured first by the wave of robot soldiers landing on American soil from outer space, along with those bringing up Hillary Clinton as if she has anything to do with the Intergalactic Robot Demon and his colluding with the Martian Government.

Businesses hold sales for the horrific metal apocalypse. “It’s national ‘Get Torn Limb from Limb by Robots’ day! Everything half off!” The awful events unfolding is parodied by every medium by everyone on the planet. Selfies with the murderous mecha-warriors are snapped as heads roll and likes pile up.

The horror is monetized and mechanized. Ad revenue triples as buildings topple from the large lasers of silver canons. The Intergalactic Robot Demon laughs and laughs.

“R D R R, R D R R.”

The last hope for the humans is the Internet. The Internet infiltrates the subconscious of the Intergalactic Robot Demon (the Intergalactic Robot Demon does have a subconscious, along with out of the ordinary tiny hands) through an access portal left open in the wifi of a laundromat which was actually a front for various black market items. A torrent of memes flood the Intergalactic Robot Demon’s operating system and override the “DESTROY ALL HUMANS” protocol and switches over to the default factory setting. “KITTENS ARE CUTE.”

All of the robots instantly rebuild the infrastructure they had annihilated (to be honest the infrastructure was already in dire disrepair but the robots are like, whatever) and begin helping humans find cute kittens. Twitter is forgotten and everyone lives happily with their robot and kitten.

Area Man Thought to Not be Human

Local resident, Zam Realperson, has come under suspicion from his friends and colleagues in your own town. Look at that, something is happening near you. Isn’t that cool? Makes you feel kinda special. Zam, short for Zamboni, has only been in your town for a short while, at least to your memory. We spoke recently to one of his neighbors.

“Yeah, there are some things slightly off about Zamboni now that you mention it. One morning I ran into him at the coffee shop down the street and he was pouring orange juice into his coffee. He looked me in the eye and said ‘Sock it to me, kemo sabe.’ It made me throw up.” Her face contorted in anguish as she began to vomit. We broke in and started to inspect the contents of his apartment. There’s a bitten in half banana as well as a thoroughly chewed upon onion on the kitchen counter. On the coffee table is a laptop opened to Bing and we confirm that it is indeed his homepage. We slowly realize every piece of furniture is from West Elm. Out of fear, we scurry away through the fire escape.

One of Mr. Realperson’s co-workers at the Hughmen’s Beans’ factory, on the outskirts of town bizarrely located by a superfund site, left us a voicemail but asked we didn’t use their name. “Zam had just seen Signs and thought it was pretty comical. He mentioned how even if water was destructive to the alien’s biology it wouldn’t matter because internal microbial filtration. He paused, mumbled, and said ‘or something, I don’t know,’ and he just walked away. Also, Zam seemed depressed after watching Kpax on Netflix, but I didn’t think anything of it at the time.”

No one we had spoken with ever mentioned seeing Zamboni Realperson go to the bathroom, sleep, or sweat. There is extensive footage of him smiling and sitting forward on his couch as well as him reciting ‘hello’ and then stating quietly in his next breath ‘no, they couldn’t know.’ A few residents believe that Mr. Realperson could be a robot, or a clone created by Trump’s legion of evil medical doctors on a break from torturing baby giraffes. Sadly, there is still no concrete answer to this mystery. At least this story takes place where you live. Way to go champ!